we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So squirting runs in the family.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
