if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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