What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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