chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
