well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
