you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
