Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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