Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
