just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
