You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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