she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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