i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
