I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
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