i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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