I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
