K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
