I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
