rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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