I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
