I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
