you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
