Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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