Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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