This is not my ceiling
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
