I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
