This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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