yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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