His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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