I am midnight drunk by noon
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
