new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
