Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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