he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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