I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
