...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
