apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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