The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
