Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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