I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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