At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
