I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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