I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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