Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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