I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she told me i tasted like america
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
