I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
