The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
