i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
my poor anus
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
