I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
