I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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