It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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