I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
