I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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