Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
