The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
